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Canada Conundrum

Well, Canada is fab and funky. I have never been but I have a Canadian friend who goes into rapchewers over the place. It's big and cold but has a very nice line in whisky mixers. My friend loves Canada so much she visits twice a year, but still lives in this dreary country because we have a sense of humour.

The Monty Python "I'm a lumberjack" song was the best thing that came out of Canada. 'Caribou' is the name of an Elton John album so it must be nice there. They eat timber wolves at roadside diners and are French really. Which is pointless because they can't use our channel tunnel. British Crumblier is a piece of our old umpire that the Frogs live in but forgot to change the name.

Mounties are supposed to be sexy and rugged. A girl who chases a Mountie is called a Mountie hunter. To be a Mountie you have to fight bears, be able to polish buttons and pick up litter. Canadians are very unfriendly to Americans so they can't be that thick.

The native North American Indian are far more brainy and called 'I knew its'. They have tennis rackets for shoes and use seal fur to keep warm. Some wear four skins! They all wear seal fur so it has their seal of approval. They like to hunt mousse but their combs get caught in the antlers. If you want to know more about Canada from my friend, Alaska.

Don't go to Canada. John Denver is proof positive that they are crap at pop music.

I can stimulate a Canadian mountie if you are that desperate. I have a mate who has a donkey and I can borrow one of my residents First World War armistice day jackets. With medals an' everything. I don't have jodpurs but I could fill my pockets with loose change and borrow some waders. Stick a giant donut on my head and don a pair of motorcycle gloves, what more could you want?

I haven't got any spurs but my brother in law supports them and says I could borrow his scarf.

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