Doh! I Knew That

Dieting is the product of a worldwide conspiracy. The Illuminati, Bilderberger’s, Media and world governments are in cahoots to ‘farm’ people to fit into clothes, when they already can hardly fit their own circumstances.

We are bombarded by images of ‘stick insects’ in Versace clothes wafting up catwalks like a rasher of wind. Living off Ryvita and a Rothmans to be the ideal shape. Are models such as these known for being the sharpest knife in the drawer? Not in those shoes. Men are confused. Most of us don’t want to shag toast-racks. Men are ‘educated’ in the tabloids in some schizophrenic way that in order to be worthy of manhood we have to drool over huge breasts on women, when breastfeeding was just a warm memory. Now with the advent of cosmetic surgery, tits bigger than plumbers thumb’s are generally made of silicon. True the wearer will rarely drown but jogging rowing boats is out of the question. I’m not stereotyping. Let’s face facts. Dating women of those dimensions may cause deafness and getting into evening gowns must be like trying to get inflated airbags back into the steering wheel.

Models. The dim view.

Are they a bit slow in the brain department? Well God rarely gives you both body perfection and a Mensa assessment. But you can be thick as shit and smart. The like of ‘barbie celebs’ usually end up getting into nightclubs free and having all their drinks paid for or hooking up with talented people like Peter Andre. A lyrical genius and iconic reality show debutante. I bet he can’t wait to do the Observer crossword with Jordan over breakfast. Look at all the ‘bimbos’ that have got famous and ‘milked it’ for every penny but still thought monogamy was a type of furniture. Marilyn Monroe, Sam Fox, Zsa Zsa Gabor, Dale Winton. Dolly Parton has two reasons why she is famous. Her love of sewing and good exercise. If she ran for a bus you would only ever see one bobbin.

The Media. “All furcoat and no knickers.”

The Media have programmed us to all want to look like the ‘Beckman’s’. That means, we will be able to spend the rest of our lives with the brains of a mongoose, playful pouts, and children with crap names. Be honest, if those two put their heads together they couldn’t make a log cabin. Mind you, when David gets too old to play ‘footie’ at least he knows his wife has her solo singing career to fall back on.

Left image. According to the media this is what we should all look like.

Right image. The same girl after she has been out for a McDonalds with me.

Next time you are in the stationers, just look at the plethora of guilt enforcement in overpriced glossy fashion magazines. Ugly fat people print this stuff. The guy who delivers mine is the size of Wisconsin.

Cosmetic surgery… the dangers.

Right: Nicole refuses to get a dishwasher even after her operation. Or is that Ann Robinson pushing poor her off her crap show? “You are the weakest link…..Goodbye.”

Left: This is Cher’s ‘before and after’ shots. The left hand side picture is ‘before’ she took a sachet of ‘Resolve’.

Michael Jackson just eats nuts and berries to keep thin. He doesn’t want his ‘sleepover’ friends to see him as a weird looking middle-aged pervert… and out of shape as well. His face looks like a bag of spanners only because he has spent so much money on bleaching it with special agents, but he is used to being followed around by the F.B.I. anyway. On quiet days, when Jackson doesn’t have a song in the charts or a kid to fiddle with, these special agents dip his head in Brobat. The latest court proceedings will mean he will not be able to bribe families to let their children share his bed for some ‘little boy’s botty games’. On the contrary, this time Mr Jackson will have to use every last dime of his already dwindling fortune due to a suspicious lifestyle and a dated, flagging career, to keep out of prison for the rest of his days.

When reporters asked him recently, at his personal theme park, how he felt about being locked away from ‘Neverland’, he seemed dismissive, and just said, “Well, it’s all swings and roundabouts anyway.”

Further questions about his daunting sentence to be served in a jail full of men and boys dying to ‘share a bunk’ with him, he just grabbed his crotch and spun around five times, yelping, “OOOOOwwww.”

Today’s Fun Quiz

Cheer Michael up before he ends up in another ‘Never land’ he can’t just leave when he wants to, and enjoy our puzzle.

Simply match the images of Wacko Jacko with his cosmetic ‘before and afters’.

Taking the Mickey

Tough man Hollywood actor Mickey Rourke has had Botox, and the odd facelift. The trouble is as the saggy x-boxer reveals, he hasn’t had much work since his role in ‘Barfly’ where he plays a frustrated drunk who doesn’t bathe and brawls every night. This is because producers claimed they could not tell whether he was in character on set, or just being himself. This lack of work has forced him to walk about in shoes he found from a clothing bank (below). He has graduated from his past movie career to boxing again. His brains are so scrambled he thinks a ‘nip and tuck’ is advice from his gym trainer.

Is Mickey Rourke
an intelligent role model
for us? Well
any actor who pays
for plastic surgery
to have it ‘re-arranged’
in the ring wants
his bumps felt.

Our next advice is good diet. But first book some colonic irrigation. This removes all residual mucus when without a handkerchief, and is effective for ‘gurning’ championships.

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All content on this site is subject to copyright © 2000/2006
If you wish to use anything either text or graphics please ask permission