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GREAT TRUTHS
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
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Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord: To keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access and, of course, free e-mail!
Happiness comes through doors you didn't even know you left open.
Hard work never killed anyone, but why take a chance.
Bachelor: One who's footloose and fiancé free.
Mothers of teenagers know why some animals eat their young.
Some folks think a fertile mind requires a lot of dirt.
The seabird hater left no tern unstoned.
Have you been eating cats? Something fuzzy is hanging... Oh, never mind.
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.
War is God's way of teaching us geography.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
My doctor says I have the body of a 22-year old....... dog.
Honesty pays, but not enough to satisfy some people.
Which is the non-smoking lifeboat?
Exactly what part of the chicken is the nugget?
If idiots could fly, then this would be an airport.
I'm not in a hurry. I'm on my way to work.
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck.
I am *not* paranoid! Which of my enemies told you that?
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
Why did astronomers name a planet after Pluto, but not Mickey or Goofy?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
Only 55% of all Americans know that the sun is a star.
A father is someone who carries pictures where his money used to be.
"If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything" - Mark Twain
Death is certain, life isn't.
If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now.
If it walks out of the refrigerator, leave it alone.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Don't drink and drive. You might hit a bump and spill your drink.
If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Difference between genius and stupidity: Stupidity has no limits.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
No machine can replace me until it learns to drink.
Below Average Pilot: Unequal number of takeoffs and landings.
What's another word for Thesaurus?
The problem is not if machines think, but if people do.
The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.
In order to get a loan, you must first prove that you don't need it.
If the universe is always expanding, why can't I ever find a parking space.
Any fool can tell the truth, it takes intelligence to lie well.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off *now*.
Teamwork is essential - it allows you to blame someone else.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
A big enough hammer can usually fix anything.
Stupidity is not a handicap. You can't park here.
Tell me again how lucky I am to work here. I keep forgetting.
Leadership is an attitude before it is an ability.
A writer must avoid shifting your point of view.
Maintenance-free: When it breaks, it can't be fixed.
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
Archaeologists will date any old thing.
Why is a soap dish so hard to keep clean?
The two most common elements are hydrogen and stupidity.
Watch out for irregular verbs which have creeped into our language.
The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students.
If there were no golf balls, how would we measure hail?
Important, call if you do not receive this message.
It wasn't school John disliked, it was just the principal of it.
A fool and his money are my best friends.
God must love stupid people. He made so many of them.
Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper.
Never invest in any idea that you can't illustrate with a crayon.
Not enough is being done for the apathetic.
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