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NEW CAR CAN ALSO SAIL AND FLY
A car that can drive on land, sail on water and fly through the air will be unveiled next month. Swiss designer Frank Rinderknecht's two-seater Splash will be on view at the Geneva motor show. He claims it can cruise at 48 kilometres (30 miles) per hour, has a top land speed of 200 kilometres (124 miles) per hour and can fly at around 80 kilometres (50 miles) per hour. Rinderknecht, 48, says, "I used to see James Bond cars but they were never functional - it was all Hollywood magic. This is the real thing. Its been my dream since I was a boy, and now its reality. It looks like a normal sports car, but you can drive into the water and use it as a boat. "At the flick of a button - without having to get out of the car - you can activate the wings and it rises out of the water and flies over the surface. We've combined a mix of technology in a way that nobody has done before."
This one is a 'belter'.
Can you imagine if all of us had our own little "Chitty, Chitty, Bang Bang?"
Welcome to my reality.
You have taken off from Gatport Airwick, to go on your hols to Ibiza, and some f*ckwit of an arsehole, in a flying car, pulls out, without 'indicating'…. With not so much as the brains he is born with, then makes you swerve into a mountain, somewhere, in the French Alps!! All because some…some…some.. Victor Mildrew, grey headed old bastard, singing, "Truly scrumptious" with his 'hazards' still flashing, wants to take a short cut to avoid, light to variable winds, across the Channel Islands?
What would Wilbur Wright, have to say to his brother about this? What would Leonardo Da Vinci think?
I can see them, as I envisage this very real scenario, tug their cap, wipe their goggles and purse their lips.
We already have an amphibian cabriolet sports car. It was all over the news and my dashboard.
No more fun at 'rushhour'
Think about it. A world with flying cars.
Soon the M25 would start to become an empty wilderness, with people, 'lolling about' on the hard shoulder with nowhere to smoke, or eat their chicken Tikka sandwiches. Well, they can smoke, but only on a slip road, with a long filter.
I can hear my Mother now crackling on the shortwave radio.
"Darling, just nip to the shops and get me my lottery ticket."
"Ok Mum."
"Can I borrow the flying Volvo?"
"Yes, dear. Have you got enough oxygen?"
"F*ck that Mum, the 'Spar' is only across the river, just radio air traffic control for me?"
Pierce Brosnan, is totally stuffed from now on. What sort of mode of transport is 'M' going to conceive? One I hope, that can tunnel underneath large mounds? No. I guess Jordan would make a crap Bond girl. Lets face it. She would bugger up the earths gravitational pull.
I love 'Bond' movie titles. They are all supposed to become that magical, cliché 'buzzphrase' that chatters across the room after a 'Glitzy' premier. A mood to capture the senses of all moviegoers.
"The World is not Enough." "View to a Kill" "To Russia with Love" or "You only Live twice"
Here's a few of my own.
"I don't give a rats arse"
"Rush of blood to the crutch"
"Lets piss off to India"
"Say your prayers backwards"
"Scared shitless without special effects"
"F*ck wearing my Tuxedo this week"
My name is BOND…I just fancy a "Jimmy".
Imagine flying cars without chemical toilets? You can't just stop in a lay-by.
What's gonna happen next? Fly a sixteen wheeler juggernaut and try to avoid Gerard's Cross? How does a truck driver 'relieve himself' at high altitudes? He can't just climb out of his cab and have a 'wazz' up against the nearside wheel, can he?
For flips sake, lets go the whole hog! Lets have tour buses whizzing across our skies too? You wouldn't have that many people wearing espadrilles, wanting to read the National Geographic on the top deck, inside an electrical storm, would you?
I think a flying car is great if you don't have a surfboard or a bike rack. Or, other passengers, trying to tell you where the emergency exits are, or, some Air Marshall joining in with the in-flight cardio vascular air exercises.
Shaken not 'stirrupped'.
What if you give birth at 30,000 feet in your, 'top of the range' BMW? What if the 'great unwashed' cretin who is dating your teenage daughter, decides, he needs to do drugs in a toilet at a 'Little Chef?' It could be Lockerbie all over again?
I remember that gold Aston Martin with the 'pop-up' bullet proof shield in the boot?( For our colonial cousins, the, 'boot' of a car is called a "trunk" to you, but please remember, only 'Dumbo' can fly.)
Mr Fleming was way ahead of his time. As a child, did he sit through his 11 plus with a Plutonium filled, heat seeking, fountain-pen? An ingenious apparatus to stun the teacher at ten paces, and anaesthetise half of Asia? I expect 'things' were a little different during his school years. He probably spent his academic life converting a 'lino cutting' into an effective pair of nerve gas filled, itchy shorts.
"Dr No", or "GoldFinger" or 'Thunderbollox' and the rest of those arresting, developmental film tags, meant that we could all feel safe in our Ford Escort on the way home. If somebody tried to 'cut us up' in the queue from the cinema, we could roll down the passenger's side window and fling a takeaway pizza crust at them. Or just stick our bare arses up at the rear view window. I know we all would have preferred, rockets from the front grill, or an ejector seat, but when you bought the car from 'The Exchange and Mart' 'mats all around' and '0' percent finance, then you could not expect much more?
"Anything can happen in the next half hour…"
Then smartarses like 'Thunderbirds' and 'Stingray' come along and we end up having puppets with obviously very visible strings and 'pistol grip' perspiration in impossible situations, that tell us what to do, when its thirty years too late!
THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE MYSTERONS…………………
Captain Scarlet was 'indestructible' only because of his SPV. Or 'Spectrum Pursuit Vehicle.' Ok . It didn't fly, but it could rescue his mates, like, Captain White, or Captain Blue, or other plastic Caucasians, who were either, hanging around gay bars, looking for other pilots in the same uniform, that liked to kiss each other behind the 'hangers'.
Then someone, would spoil it all and get hold of some lichen, balsa wood, and, other minute combustible material, a canister of butane, and blow the f*cker up! What was that all about? Puppets melting. Sore thumbs, trying to work a Zippo?
All I need is, plumbers, Mini cabs, pizza delivery, and the 'Next' courier to have flying cars. So I don't have to be in the bath when they call, or have Dick van Dyke trying to talk in an English accent………………….. and we don't want that, do we?
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