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Secrets for a Happy Retirement (Tongue n’ Cheek!)
For nearly three decades, Glenn R. Swift, our Editor in Chief, worked as an investment advisor for some of the most prestigious financial services firms in the country. During this time he worked with a large number of senior citizens as well as many working people planning for retirement. Although these days Glenn dedicates all of his energy to the field of journalism, he was willing to share some of the wisdom that he gleaned over the years.
Secret #1: Know Where to Live
 Let’s take it from day one – the morning you awaken in which you finally get to enjoy the fruits of your lifetime labor. So, where are you anyway? California? Forget it! How about Ohio! The Rust Belt offers a real opportunity for savvy homebuyers. Haven’t you heard? Youngstown is booming! Then again, there’s always Montana! Trust me, if it’s good enough for Robert Redford, it ought to be fine for you!
OK…You really are in love with your hometown…been there that long eh? Well…Here’s another option. Ever wonder why God created motels? Duh! Motel Six has a stellar reputation for offering long-term discounts. So what that the maid doesn’t speak English! Do you want to get down on your arthritic knees and scrub the bath tub? And if you can get up by ten o’clock, you might even get a free bagel and juice.
Secret #2: Stay at Home
Now I know you’ve heard that the retirement years are a wonderful time to travel. Yeah right! Are you kiddin’ me? At your age? For starters, all those trips to the bathroom are downright embarrassing. And a lot of tour bus drivers simply won’t stop when you want. Besides, traveling is expensive. What good is it to say you’ve been to Paris and then spend the next six weeks fighting with your spouse over which brand of cat food you want for dinner.
Secret #3: Eat, Drink and Be Merry
All this talk about a “healthy diet”…How boring! Do you really want to live to be a 110 so you can have about eight tubes sticking in you? I didn’t think so. Besides, studies show that old people are flat out miserable when they can’t eat what they want. And what do they want? Meat…greasy, fatty meat! That’s why it’s so important to begin each day with at least four pieces of bacon. If you prefer a little variety for breakfast, feel free to substitute sausage. But don’t cave in to the whole grain/fiber crowd! Remember, living too long is a drag on everyone. Don’t listen to your doctor. Their sole purpose is to supervise the long and steady decline of old people. Your goal should be to go out face first! That’s right…face first into a 28-ounce T-bone steak!
Secret #4: Get the heck out of the gym!
Who are you trying to impress anyway? You’re just kidding yourself if you’re thinking otherwise. Yes, the truth hurts but here it is: no one is going to look at your body and feel a thumping in their chest. Except of course those who are even older than you! So what’s the point? Besides, exercising is exhausting. Now, if you’re a real die-hard with an intense craving for physical exercise, try shuffleboard.
Secret #5: Spend a little more time grooming…
Face it; you don’t look all that hot anymore. So, you need to go the extra mile here. There are far too many seniors walking around with untrimmed nose hairs. Yuck! As for beards, NO WAY! When you get up there in years, it’s hard enough to keep from forgetting to wipe your mouth while eating a delicious meal. All beards are for older men is a place to store crumbs. And one more thing, shower regularly. There’s nothing more revolting than a smelly old person.
Secret #6: Get a job!
There’s no getting around it. You didn’t save enough, and you never expected to live this long…did you? So how are you going to pay the bills? Forget the idea of your children helping you out. They’re loaded in credit card debt and are in a lot worse shape than you ever imagined. Yes, you’ve got to get out there and continue fighting for every morsel in this dog-eat-dog world. That means getting a computer and knowing how to send an email. Quit stressing! The job market has never been more accommodating to old folks. Think about it, ever seen a Wal-Mart greeter who wasn’t smiling?
(Please don’t take this too seriously!)
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