YOUR PET HATES

Dear Perry & Terry

Now's there’s a novelty. Pubs now offer a ‘cashback’ facility on a huge scale after high street banks have started charging from some cash machines. Like in the big supermarkets and some corner shops. What a great idea! Now I can just pop into the pub and get money for drinks when once I had a 'tab'.

From ... Sidney and his greyhound ‘Alfie’.
Real ale followed by a whisky chaser.

Ed's note

Well, I can see the local landlord warming to the idea, as well as local taxi drivers, can't you? Why, I bet he has already started to book his next holiday in the Seychelles. Imagine this.

"Hello Sir, what would you like to drink?"

"Sod that, I only want to have twenty pounds ‘cash-back’ please, in fives, please. For the cigarette machine."

"Err....no Sir, you have to order, to get ‘cash-back’."

"Oh, bugger, alright then, give me an apple juice, please."

"No, Sir, we give ‘cashback’, only if you buy a meal."

"But, I don't want a bloody meal,  just give me a pint of Guinness, some chips, and some money for the fag machine. How much is a box of fags?"

"We have only got Low Tar in vending packs of 6, for £5."

"Christ, that’s a bit steep, how much for the chips and Guinness?"

"Well, you can get a free Guinness tee-shirt if you buy just five pints at £2.50 each and your chips come free if you order burger and salad for twelve pounds and fifty pence."

"Oh, go on then, how much is that?"

"That’s twenty pounds, Sir."

"But that’s what I asked for as ‘cash-back’ in the first place?!"

"Sorry Sir, I nearly forgot, do you want any ‘cashback’ with your meal?"

"What? O.K, give me forty quid for starters, and if the wife rings, I'm not here."


Dear Perry & Terry

Research has shown that in proportion to its body-size the drone ( male bee) has one of the biggest penises of any known animal on earth. Statistically, relatively twelve times larger than the homosapien counterpart. It has emerged through this study that this is thought to be because of the bee's coital fate, or immediate death after copulation. Its genitals are contained in its abdomen and any sex taking place is so physically draining the bee dies shortly after courtship. To add insult to injury literally, the males privates are ripped off directly after fertilisation. The data shows that although this great self sacrifice on the part of the drone to perpetuate the race seems the ultimate macho price to pay, interestingly, the drone itself is not produced as a result of sex. On the contrary it is developed asexually from an unfertilised egg. Fertilised eggs either become either Queens or worker bees. The Queen bee is capable of reproducing on its own, and the drone bees have no father. Only a grandfather and several cousins in Barnet, and Newton Abbot.

From ... That posh bloke from the college next door
with the lazy eye and shredded cardboard wig
 .. always drinks a half.

Ed's note

Well, each family has their problems. I tend to die for a shag, than after one. I also have not been dead with some women. Lots of ‘queens’ are able to raise or adopt a family but it may be some time before they can reproduce, without major surgery and womb transplants once they have come to terms with their sexuality and decide who wants to be the ‘butch’ one. Heterosexuals may still find it hard to reproduce even when driving a decent motor and wearing a well ironed shirt. Women have to deal with all kinds of methods to have children, IVF, egg transplants and hormone therapy, or even standing on their heads after sex letting gravity help out. People believe this does work even if it knocks pictures off walls and flowers can be effectively displayed when a vase is not available. Some women will do everything not to have children. I believe girls out ‘on the town’ take condoms with them these days! I think this is a bit presumptuous. I suppose they will be buying drinks for men next. Yes, I know all about A.I.D.S and other more prevalent S.T.D’S, but what if you’re Catholic and wear tights with very long boots under a frock? That’s why priests don’t use them on women? If you are discreet about it, fine. The last thing you want is some bugger splitting on you and it all goes off at the deep end.

Thank you for your labours in research, we men at least can be reassured we don't have a four foot chopper buried in our stomachs that gets torn off every time we get a bit ‘fruity’, so we should think ourselves very lucky compared with what women and drones go through. Lets face it. Women do like a good drone.


Dear Perry & Terry

Its hopeless, my twin sister got smacked on the bottom before I was, at birth. Will this affect my life in any way? My clinical psychologist thinks it a 'twin thing' and that many multiple births show sibling rivalry starts in the womb. Is this really the case?

From ... That British Telecom engineer who
 is always on the fruit machine.

Eds note

Unfortunately, research shows that unless you have starred on 'Kilroy' most people have absolutely no recollection of midwifery violence at all. I cut the cord at my daughter’s birth and still spent the next hour trying to get the window blind down. Many imminent parents have 'fried placenta' as a nourishing snack after the baby. Usually the baby is quite enough to swallow without ‘trimmings’ and I won't eat that 'Johnny Foreigner' muck anyway.

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