‘Tasha the Tesco Terrorist’

A juvenile urban store insurgent is terrorising local Tesco store. Nine year old Natasha Pooley, says she will use ‘any detergent’ ( she means, ‘deterrent’) to loosen the grip of Food Giant warlords on our fragile and suppliant minds.

Ever since she was three years old she could clear product aisles, by just lying on her back and screaming, while drumming her hands and fists, on the floor, for the sole purpose she could get her Mother to purchase a ‘Power Puff Girls’ pencil case. Such a reign of terror, is recognised by most parents with over-indulged Western children.

Just years later, and South Eastern Tesco managers fear where she might strike again, as she threatens to disrupt local stores on a regular basis. Mr Savage from the Southampton branch said,

“ This kid is dangerous. She even buys camouflage outfits from our children’s Cherokee range, to hide amongst the other outfits unseen, until the coast is clear, and unleashes her havoc on our store. Last week she tied some fishing twine to her foot and dashed around the store in ever decreasing circles. Paramedics spent four hours snipping pensioners away from children. A large breasted woman became entangled with our canned beer display, and she ended up spread eagled across our lad in the alcohol section, from the local ‘supported living’ scheme. They seemed to be writhing around the floor together, for ages, frothing, and exploding ‘widgets’ everywhere. He has been put on baked beans now, but we still can’t get the stupid smile off his face, and it’s nothing to do with his disability.”

She tells all customers to follow some simple subversive behaviour every time they shop.

This week? Tasha’s Tesco Terrorist tip is:

“Buy a kipper from the fresh fish counter and walk down in between the freezer cabinets and drop it on the floor. As you bend to pick it up, ‘accidentally on purpose’ kick it under the freezers. Do that every time you visit. Presto the store closes down because of the offensive stink.”

We would ask readers to use this advice at their own risk. Well, you don’t want to be caught on CCTV, do you? Squirt Johnson’s Baby Oil (on offer at the moment) down all the aisles, first, to create a effective distraction.

Our Ghastly Correspondent.